Can't Take it back
by oh-i-wish-i-were
Summary: sequel of "It Kills Me". With the pain that comes with Seth's death, Jake learns some valuable lessons about himself.


**Due to the many wonderful reviews, I've received, I've decided to do a piece with Jacob's POV. I hope this is up to your standards!**

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After several rounds of mediocre sex, I hopped out the bed and zipped up my pants. Liza was watching me from the bed. She lit her 5th cigarette and took a long drag. Her features somehow seemed much more unattractive when she smoked.

"Why can't he get it through that pretty, little head of his that you don't want him anymore?!"

"He's my partner, I still care about him."

"Caring is one thing, loving is another."

"I do love him! Don't you dare say otherwise."

"You love him? That's almost comical. If you love him so much, then why are you in this room with me? Hmm? That's what I thought."

"Shut up, Liza! You don't understand." I straightened out my shirt and grabbed my wallet from the nightstand.

"Are you coming, or not?" I asked her, praying she would find some other way to get home. Don't get me wrong, I had strong feelings for Liza, but whenever she talked about Seth, It made me upset.

"I'll be ready in a sec." She crawled out of the bed and pulled her dress back onto her body. She tied her dress up and we left the sinful room. The drive to her house was nice. We sorted out our problems and promised to not talk about Seth. I loved Liza, but I loved Seth, too. They both wanted only me. I only wanted both of them. I looked at Liza's hand which was intertwined with my own. I thought she was interesting and full of life, just how Seth used to be at the start of our relationship.

I let her out in front of her house. She leaned against the car window; I rolled it down. Her cleavage prominent and in close proximity to my face.

"You sure you don't want to come in? We could finish where we left off?"

"As much as I'd love to, I have to check on 'you- know- who'. He did say he was sick and I feel bad for leaving him at home."

"He was probably faking." I ignored her comment and continued with my train of thought.

"I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow. Give me a kiss." She leaned over and grabbed the back of my head, leaving a hot kiss on my lips. Liza turned on her heel and sashayed to the front door of her house, making sure I got a good view of her ass.

As I drove away from her, towards my house, I felt a little guilty. What if Seth wasn't lying and he really was sick and he needed me. I was so drunk that I didn't even care to actually see about him. I sped up, trying to get home a little faster.

When I pulled into the garage, I knew I had to make things better with Seth. He was probably somewhere crying right now. I never understood how he could still be with me, because I know I hurt him, but somehow he understands that I still want and need him.

I opened the back door. Everything looked as it did when I left. Seth was probably still sitting in the living room. I called out to him but got no response.

"Seth, Hey where are you?" Silence crept through the house. I heard nothing but the sounds of the birds outside. '_Oh shit, he finally left' _was the only thought running through my mind. My heart rate increased and my palms became sweaty as my vision blurred. I quickened my step and ran to the basement. I found the liquor cabinet open and an empty bottle of Scotch. My throat felt as if it were closing. I ran up the stairs and looked in the kitchen, living room, and study, all to no avail. This was all too surreal for me. Where did my baby go? Why didn't he wait for me?

I flung the door to our bedroom open, thinking I would find him asleep on the bed. I did not see his form against the pillows as I had hoped. '_Maybe he went to work after all?'_ I crossed the room to look into the bathroom. Maybe he was taking a shower and couldn't hear me over the rush of the water. I peeked inside the bathroom, but the shower was off.

Something in the mirror caught my attention. I saw the reflection of a lock of black hair hanging over the tub. I tip-toed deeper into the bathroom to see what the hair was connected to. As I peered over the tub, bile rose in my throat as I was met with the horrific sight beneath me. The tears fell as I sunk to the edge of the tub. There was Seth, in the tub. His eyes were wide open, his features contained a bluish hue. My first reaction was to pull him out of the water, to try and save him, but I realized the electrical current was still in the water, rendering me useless to do anything.

I pulled out my phone and frantically dialed 911. I couldn't speak. The operator was trying to calm me down. After minutes I stuttered my emergency, my address and a muted thank you. I sat sobbing next to the bathtub. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. After ten minutes, I saw the blue lights pull into our driveway through the bathroom window. I carefully got up to let the police and paramedics inside. I shakily pointed a finger into the direction that the bathroom was in. A female police officer sat me down in the kitchen.

Her face held a sympathetic expression as she calmly asked me questions.

"Where you here when the accident occurred, sir?"

"No." I cried out. The tears were blinding my vision.

"How were you associated with the victim?"

"His name is Seth!" I barked at her.

"I'm sorry, sir. How were you associated with Seth?"

"We--we--- we--were partners." I stumbled upon the words as they left my mouth.

"As in like, boyfriends?"

"Yes."

"When did you find him?"

"About 15 minutes ago, but I don't know how long he's been there."

"Do you know of anyone that wanted to hurt Seth?"

"No. He did this. And it was because of me." I blurted and began to sob uncontrollably. The woman tried to console me. About ten minutes later, I saw the paramedics come down the stairs with Seth's body in a bag. I couldn't take it. I ran to the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen and threw up.

As I was washing out my mouth, I heard the officers and medic talking about Seth.

"He was no older than 25. It's things like this that make you wanna go home and never let your kids leave." said a police officer

"We found a suicide note on the bed addressed to a Jacob. There were three other letters; 1 to a _Leah_, 1 to his _mom_, and one to _all other family members and friends._"

"Is Jacob the young man that found him, Irene?"

"Yes, his name is Jacob Black."

"Sad, sad situation."

"What? What happened, Walden?"

"The letter is confidential. We read the first on the bed just so we could clear this as a suicide."

"What did it say?"

"I can't tell you, but I feel so sorry for that kid."

"Well how long has he been dead, Morgan?"

"Well from the color of his body, I'd say around 16 to 19 hours." My body shook as the sobs forced themselves from my body. _'My Seth was dead and alone for over 16 hours while I was out screwing Liza.' _My conscience was attacking me. I pulled my self together enough to face the officer again. I opened the door and was met with the face of Officer Irene Pendleton.

"Son, We know you're in a very difficult place right now, but do you have the contact information of his parents?"

"Yes, It's in the drawer by the night stand."

"Would you like us to notify his parents or would you like to do it?"

"I'll do it. It needs to come from me."

The officers and paramedics slowly left the house. Neighbors began flocking to our front yard, either to be nosey or pay their condolences. I was left in the house alone with the letter Seth had left for me. I held the letter in my hands. I didn't want to open it. I didn't want to see the tears that stained the paper. I didn't want to see the words that would verify what I already knew. I was the sole cause of Seth's decision to leave this earth. I was feeling a pain worse than death: I had to live with the fact that Seth killed himself and it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so selfish and chose Liza over him most of the time.

I placed the opened envelope onto the kitchen counter. I allowed my body to move itself to the living room, where I pulled out the phone. I dialed the number that was sitting on my lap. I waited for several moments before someone answered the phone.

"Hello, you've reached the Clearwater residence." A man's voice rang clear through the phone.

"Uh..Hi, May I please speak to Sue Clearwater?"

"May I ask who is speaking?"

'Well..This is...Jake, Jacob."

"Jacob Black!? Well it sure has been a long time since we've heard from you! What have you been up to. This is Charlie! Surely you remember me! Boy, you have to come and see us! How's little Seth?" The moment he said the name, my heart clenched and my eyes watered.

"I really need you to get Sue, please."

"Is something wrong?"

"Well, yes."

"One second, She'll be right down." I waited on the other line for Charlie to get Sue. The thirty seconds was not enough for me to figure how to tell a mother that her son was no longer living.

"Jacob, Darling, is everything alright?"

"Mrs. Clearwater....."

"Sweetie, you need to tell me what's going on!Are you alright? Is Seth ok?"

"Mrs. Clearwater..."

"Let me speak to Seth!" The woman yelled into the phone, my heart breaking enough for the both of us.

"He's dead." I whispered into the phone. All I received on the other end was silence. I thought she had fainted, bu then I heard a blood-curdling screech accompanied by a most haunting sob.

"Not my Angel, Not my Seth!" She repeated over and over. I wish I could have comforted her, but I couldn't.

"Jake, This isn't funny! This is not! Where's Seth! Where is he! I need you to put him on the phone right NOW!"

"I'm sorry, I can not. He's gone."

"How did this happened? Why did you let this happen Jake! I trusted you with my little Baby Boy!! And you lost him! You lOST HIM!"

"I'm so sorry, I really am! You should probably come see him."

"How did he die?"

"It would be best if you found out face to face."

"Well..yes. I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight." I got off the phone with Sue . I decided that she could inform all of Seth's other family and friends. I couldn't speak to them knowing that I was the one that caused Seth to take his own life. My head pounded and my vision blurred with the onslaught of more and more tears. I was extremely tired, but I couldn't bring myself to walk into the bedroom.

I got up from my chair in the living room and grabbed my keys. As I was on my way out of the back door, the envelope with my name on it stared at meet. I wanted to ignore it, but then I realized that I had ignored Seth enough. I pocketed the small rectangle and proceeded towards my car.

I drove until I couldn't recognize my surroundings. I needed to get away from all of the pain. I pulled into a small hotel not far from the highway. A single person stood at the front desk. She looked too young to be working at the hotel. Maybe it was the braces that sat on her teeth.

"Hello, and what may I get for you, Sir?"

"I just need a single room for one night."

"May I please see your credit card and ID?" I handed both items to the small woman.

"Thank you, you can pay when you check out. Your room number is 302." I walked swiftly into the elevator and waited for it to arrive on the third floor. As I reached the room, I felt slightly calmer. I threw my jacket onto the chair and plopped onto the king sized bed.

As I shifted, I heard the envelope scratching against the denim of my jeans. I slowly pulled the paper from my pocket. I brought the envelope to my face and read the front: _To Jacob Black _My heart clenched.

I pulled the folded paper from the envelope. I unfolded the paper, and my vision blurred. I noticed the ever neat penmanship of Seth. I focused and tried to read the letter.

_Dear Jacob,_

_This is very hard to do. I never expected my life to end this way, but I couldn't live in a world knowing you resented me. I don not wish to blame you for this, This is partly my fault. I realize I'm a weak person and I'm extremely possessive. I couldn't stand seeing her in our house. Putting a face to the infidelity really took a toll on me. This sucks because I know I will not have a chance to see my family again. They deserve so much more from me. I wish I wasn't so selfish. I just know that I can't live like this. I can't live knowing that you don't care about me. You want to rid me from your life. I always knew I'd do anything to make you happy, even if it never made me happy. Hopefully this act will make us both happy. I want you to know that I have never loved anyone as deeply and as truly as I have loved you. I don't think I ever could. I've suffered enough heartache from one relationship, I don't think I could bear to suffer another loss. Jacob, I know that if I don't end this now, I'll just stay forever and get hurt even more. I'm sorry that we couldn't work out our issues. Please try to understand me. I'm so unsure of everything, but none of that will matter within the next hours. I hope you enjoyed the good times we shared, as cliche' as it sounds. I'll try not to be bitter as I exit this life. I wish you well with Liza. I hope she continues to please you in ways I could not. Jacob, please love her more than you loved me. Tell her you love her, treat her with respect. I'm so sorry it had to end like this. I simply could not let you go. For a long time, you were my life, and now that we're over so is my life. Remember that I always loved you and I always will._

_Love, Seth _

By the time I finished reading his letter, I wanted to kill myself. How could I have not noticed how conflicting his thoughts were. I never took the time to sit with him and hear his thoughts. I felt like the biggest douche in the world. I let Seth suffer alone in silence. Now I had to meet with his parents and face his sister and give them the letters that he left behind.

His family would hate me, but I deserved it. Seth was so good to me. He did stay faithful and committed unlike myself. I guess that saying is true, you never know what you have until it's gone. I don't know where to go from here. I have to break things off with Liza. Seeing her will further assert my guilt and pain. One day, I hope I'll see Seth again so that I can apologize properly to him. I don't deserve it. He was a great person.

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**If you want more please do not hesitate to ask! I loved all of the reviews I received! **


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